Especially at night...I worry over situations..

I am in the midst of my wonderful holiday season mental crisis. That time in which, every year, I start to realize everything that I want that hasn't happened. I think of every holiday season before, and how this one can never match up to some of the best. I look outside and see sun and cactus and feel the biggest hole inside myself, because being home is not an option.

I'm freaking out about getting married, worrying that it's the wrong thing. I'm missing my family that makes me feel less like a crazy person and more as if I am a piece of the puzzle that fits in perfectly.

Am I ever just going to be satisfied and happy?


I feel like an idiot at 22 writing a blog that makes it sound like I'm 15.

I want to go somewhere. I want something to happen.

Yesterday I was driving across town and saw a sign that said "I-10 to Los Angeles". And I seriously considered going. Why not? I have money, enough to get me there and pay for a place to stay and some food and clothes. I have family who I'd love to see there, and a good friend. And the most alluring part was the image of myself sitting quietly on the beach, watching the sunset, with the wind in my face and no noise.

I feel like I can't move fast enough right now and if I don't keep up, everything is going to overtake me, and I'll be forced along, instead of going at my leisure. All I want is one day. The beach, the mountains, it doesn't matter. I just want to go and pretend the rest of it doesn't exist for a while.

And the thing that makes me feel most guilty? I can't just sit across from someone and tell them this. I have to sit in front of a computer, while no one is paying attention, and type my soul out on a screen. I want for so much, even more than I would consider typing here, knowing it will make me sound more desperate and lost than I seem now.

Come January this feeling will pass and I'll be back to myself....But damn the days I feel like this. Really takes all the fun out of anticipating Christmas.