Coping Mechanism

Everyone out there has a song. You know, that one song that makes you stop completely, practically transports you to a totally different time in life, regardless of how long it's been since you heard that song or thought about that moment. Most people have a few. And if you're like me, you could set every important moment in your life to music. You could name a song for every important person in your life as well.

I am obsessed with songs. Good lyrics, good beat, a memory-- if the song can have all three of these things, then I can listen to it for the rest of my life. Hell, Beth and I spend at least half of our time together just listening to that kind of song, because we both love them so much.

My title comes from a song. "You're So Last Summer", by Taking Back Sunday. Now I know, it's not a classic. Far from it. But it has the beat, and it has the lyrics, and it reminds me of the way I felt about J. before we were serious together. It makes me remember who I was.

Not to sound cliche, but I never wanted to get married. I was happy being solo, and the few relationships I did have, well, they weren't meant to last, and I knew that going into them. And the lyrics in that song ("She said don't-Don't let it go to your head. Boys like you are a dime a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen, she said") were pretty much the feelings I had about anything approaching a serious relationship.

I was young and stupid. I'll admit that more readily than anyone. And I've changed my mind, obviously. But that song still reminds me of that rebellious girl who swore no one could pin her down for long, and boys weren't worth it for more than a fun time.

I can hear "Here In This Diary" by the Ataris, and it is immediately the summer after my senior year of High School, and K. and I are leaving Paradise Valley Mall with the windows down, enjoying the scorching hot desert air, even though it's dark out. We're laughing, and playing the song loud, when suddenly a guy gets out of the car behind us, walks up, looks in the window, and walks back to his car.

Things that I don't think of for years come flooding back with the music. I hear the first notes of a song, and suddenly I am overjoyed with the great memories that most of them bring back. Not all songs bring back the great memories, of course, but even the sad ones make me feel a pang of longing for the days when I was that person who loved that song, or who related to that song, or who cried to that song.

Occasionally I feel alone in this love for music. The examples above are not the complete realm of what I listen to. I love everything. If there is meaning to it, if it is not just bubble gum, to be chewed on and then spit out when it loses flavor, I love it. Do other people know this obsession? This need to have a constant revolving supply of music, so that the moments of my life don't fade into obscurity because of their lack of a tune? I'm sure they do. How can music not touch a person? And if it doesn't, than why? Do you dislike lyrics? Tune? Is it just annoying background noise to you?

I understand not liking a particular genre. I love them all, but I understand that not everyone has my taste. But to not like music. To me that's like not being able to breathe. Music helps me think. It helps me handle the rough times.

I suppose my point is that as great as everything is going right now, even a grossly commercialized holiday like today is hard when the person you love - not just today, but every day of the year- is hundreds of miles away for one of the most unselfish reasons ever. I get through it with music. I sit here sifting through my iTunes listening to the memories. "Hey Jealousy", "The Moment", "Ocean Avenue", "Chocolate", all of them. The good the bad, every song that is a memory of him is one I want to hear. It may not be the best way to go about things, but it is my way of handling things. And tell me, could you think of anything better to do on a rainy night than lay around listening to the songs you love most in the world, one after another?


I love you honey. Happy V Day.

What should I say? 10 things I have and will do.

There are just so many words to say.

For a long time my head seemed to have forgotten those words. I couldn't even try to write about life, and what's going on in it, I've been too busy living it these past few months. And then suddenly, the other day, they hit me. All of those words that haven't been poured out of my brain in oh-so long came rushing back into my conciousness, and I felt like writing again for the first time in ages. So I came back to this blog. Now I sit, fingers poised over the keyboard and try to figure out what to say. I'm overwhelmed with everything I want to say again, and it's so hard to just pick something. Should I update about my life? Should I talk about important things? Should I detail my love of the show Heroes and how I want fire hands?

I sit. And debate. Maybe after all this time, I should reintroduce myself, as I don't even seem to remember who I was a year ago-so much has changed.

I'm Sam. I'm 21, I live on the face of the sun (a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona) and I am content.

Such a confusing word, that. Does content mean that I'm happy? That I want for nothing? Not exactly. Everyone wants something. I'm no different. I want plenty of things. But for the time being, I know that I am in a good place in life, and that the things I want can wait. I consider that being content, I suppose. Anyway, back on track...

I am engaged to a good guy, I live in a house, which I share with my fionce (when he's home) and our roomate, my younger brother. I have a job in which I do not a whole lot and get paid for it (no complaints there), and a crazy psycho dog named Kitty, who lives up to her name completely.

Life can't get much better than it is. I have bad days, I have complaints, and I sometimes feel like smashing my truck into the idiot driving 20 miles under the speed limit. But I'm not a cracked out skank down on Van Buren, so I'm obviously not doing too bad.

I really have no clue how to go about best describing my personality. Ah! Perhaps I will musically montage into a list--oh wait....no music. Ok, well you just imagine a montage right here.........

10 Examples of Me being Me.

1. I went on a family camping trip this summer and as a result of a fun night (read: lots of beer) with the cousins, fell out the SIDE of the pop up camper when I crawled into bed.

2. I have trained Kitty to attack on snore. You make a noise that sounds like you are snoring-you will get a paw in your face. This is benificial when waking up J (the fionce).

3. I once seriously asked Smeege (brother) to sniff a bottle from the nail salon and tell me if it was nail polish or cuticle oil. He has never had his nails done. Ever.

4. J does not enjoy going to theatre productions with me. I point out all of the mistakes to him in a whisper, and sing along to most every song.

5. I have convinced J that he was crazy by poking him for hours and denying/getting angry about it when he would accuse me of it.

6. My idea of cleaning the house is waiting untill it is actually dirty. I don't see the point of doing it premptively, because I'm just going to have to do it again later.

7. I really do want to have hands that shoot flame up out of them. It would be so much easier to light my cigarette when it's windy.

8. I grew up in a town where everyone knew everyone. So as soon as I could get the hell out of Dodge, I moved to a city. I will never live in a small town again.

9. I just went thru the month of Manuary--no no, not January. Manuary. Apparently that is what it is called when Smeege's friends from home invade your house for a week.

10. I will discuss and debate anything. I'm not religious, and while there are some things in politics that upset or anger me, it doesn't do it enough that I hold you personally responsible. I find this kind of thing very enjoyable too. As long as there are no personal attacks involved.


If you knew those things...I applaud you. If you didn't, now you do. Updating more regularly is something I would really like to do. Stay tuned to see if it happens.