Coping Mechanism

Everyone out there has a song. You know, that one song that makes you stop completely, practically transports you to a totally different time in life, regardless of how long it's been since you heard that song or thought about that moment. Most people have a few. And if you're like me, you could set every important moment in your life to music. You could name a song for every important person in your life as well.

I am obsessed with songs. Good lyrics, good beat, a memory-- if the song can have all three of these things, then I can listen to it for the rest of my life. Hell, Beth and I spend at least half of our time together just listening to that kind of song, because we both love them so much.

My title comes from a song. "You're So Last Summer", by Taking Back Sunday. Now I know, it's not a classic. Far from it. But it has the beat, and it has the lyrics, and it reminds me of the way I felt about J. before we were serious together. It makes me remember who I was.

Not to sound cliche, but I never wanted to get married. I was happy being solo, and the few relationships I did have, well, they weren't meant to last, and I knew that going into them. And the lyrics in that song ("She said don't-Don't let it go to your head. Boys like you are a dime a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen, she said") were pretty much the feelings I had about anything approaching a serious relationship.

I was young and stupid. I'll admit that more readily than anyone. And I've changed my mind, obviously. But that song still reminds me of that rebellious girl who swore no one could pin her down for long, and boys weren't worth it for more than a fun time.

I can hear "Here In This Diary" by the Ataris, and it is immediately the summer after my senior year of High School, and K. and I are leaving Paradise Valley Mall with the windows down, enjoying the scorching hot desert air, even though it's dark out. We're laughing, and playing the song loud, when suddenly a guy gets out of the car behind us, walks up, looks in the window, and walks back to his car.

Things that I don't think of for years come flooding back with the music. I hear the first notes of a song, and suddenly I am overjoyed with the great memories that most of them bring back. Not all songs bring back the great memories, of course, but even the sad ones make me feel a pang of longing for the days when I was that person who loved that song, or who related to that song, or who cried to that song.

Occasionally I feel alone in this love for music. The examples above are not the complete realm of what I listen to. I love everything. If there is meaning to it, if it is not just bubble gum, to be chewed on and then spit out when it loses flavor, I love it. Do other people know this obsession? This need to have a constant revolving supply of music, so that the moments of my life don't fade into obscurity because of their lack of a tune? I'm sure they do. How can music not touch a person? And if it doesn't, than why? Do you dislike lyrics? Tune? Is it just annoying background noise to you?

I understand not liking a particular genre. I love them all, but I understand that not everyone has my taste. But to not like music. To me that's like not being able to breathe. Music helps me think. It helps me handle the rough times.

I suppose my point is that as great as everything is going right now, even a grossly commercialized holiday like today is hard when the person you love - not just today, but every day of the year- is hundreds of miles away for one of the most unselfish reasons ever. I get through it with music. I sit here sifting through my iTunes listening to the memories. "Hey Jealousy", "The Moment", "Ocean Avenue", "Chocolate", all of them. The good the bad, every song that is a memory of him is one I want to hear. It may not be the best way to go about things, but it is my way of handling things. And tell me, could you think of anything better to do on a rainy night than lay around listening to the songs you love most in the world, one after another?


I love you honey. Happy V Day.