And you turn around and it's not a dream...

So we sign papers for the new house tomorrow. And I really want to be excited. But I feel like it's taken us a mountain of pain to get here.

Wednesday of last week, we found out that my fiance's cousin was found dead in his barracks in California.

How do I cope? I believe firmly in the military. I'm marrying an army boy, and know far too many people that joined after I graduated. So what do I do when faced with a 21 year old with PTSD who had a month left to go until he was out.

He was on 8 meds...seeing people who had died..and engaged to be married next March. He wasn't getting the help he needed..and for all the good that they are presumed to do, the military couldn't manage to find one single opening for him in a counseling program to help him deal with his demons.

We are hoping it's accidental. I've never hoped for anything so much in my life. But god, to go through the heartbreak of realizing that your son couldn't cope with what was going on in his head anymore. I wouldn't want anyone's parents to have to go through that, especially his parents.

And his fiancee. She picked her dress up last Monday. She was getting their place ready for him to come home. And now? It's my worst nightmare come to life.

How am I supposed to appreciate a system that doesn't even appreciate those who are willing to give their life for it? I mean, it's not like Chad and I were close. We weren't. I hung out with him a few times, but always with the other cousins around. But to see his family going through this is something that pulls out the protective side of me. These people are too good to be faced with such a tragedy.

Back on track though...we're moving this week. And thank goodness because I really don't think I could be this together about it if my mind weren't already occupied with everything else going on.