Moving day

So I'm moving sites, as of now. If you're reading, I've moved to wordpress. Click the title to go directly there

XO,
Sam

And you turn around and it's not a dream...

So we sign papers for the new house tomorrow. And I really want to be excited. But I feel like it's taken us a mountain of pain to get here.

Wednesday of last week, we found out that my fiance's cousin was found dead in his barracks in California.

How do I cope? I believe firmly in the military. I'm marrying an army boy, and know far too many people that joined after I graduated. So what do I do when faced with a 21 year old with PTSD who had a month left to go until he was out.

He was on 8 meds...seeing people who had died..and engaged to be married next March. He wasn't getting the help he needed..and for all the good that they are presumed to do, the military couldn't manage to find one single opening for him in a counseling program to help him deal with his demons.

We are hoping it's accidental. I've never hoped for anything so much in my life. But god, to go through the heartbreak of realizing that your son couldn't cope with what was going on in his head anymore. I wouldn't want anyone's parents to have to go through that, especially his parents.

And his fiancee. She picked her dress up last Monday. She was getting their place ready for him to come home. And now? It's my worst nightmare come to life.

How am I supposed to appreciate a system that doesn't even appreciate those who are willing to give their life for it? I mean, it's not like Chad and I were close. We weren't. I hung out with him a few times, but always with the other cousins around. But to see his family going through this is something that pulls out the protective side of me. These people are too good to be faced with such a tragedy.

Back on track though...we're moving this week. And thank goodness because I really don't think I could be this together about it if my mind weren't already occupied with everything else going on.

Summer Time

Limes and Tequila. Usually they would remind you of summer time and a beach, with the hot sun beating down on you.

But for me, Limes and tequila will always represent the middle of December, and the kind of boy who's really bad for you...but he's completely irresistable.

When I was younger there was one of those boys. It was that point in life when I didn't really care which way was up, as long as I landed on my feet. And he was all wrong. An eternal bad boy to the core, he drove an old camero, dark blue, and didn't really talk but sat in on our conversations with a thoughtful look, as if what we said could never matter.

Being me, I was far too...just too for him. I was too happy, too flighty, too into living to ever be the detatched kind of girl that would ever need him. And that's what he wanted. Someone who needed him.

But some nights, as we all sat around my apartment laughing, there were limes. And he would peel the limes and pull a section off and look at me with those dark eyes. And I would climb into his lap, we would each take a swig of the tequila, and he would put the lime in between his lips..sticking out just enough that I had to fight for my half a little.

I find it strange..I've forgotten the little things that all of the good ones did. The things that I probably should remember. I've stopped drinking tequila, and i haven't actually eaten a lime since that winter. But just the scent...or the taste of lime juice...and I have to smirk a little. Of all the things to remember, I remember the wrong boy, a swig of tequila, and the bitter taste of limes.

We will be winners...

And as I predicted it is January. And I am me again.

Went to the bridal show this weekend for some ideas on invites and places for my huge family to stay. It was fun. My sisters in law to be always make me feel so at home. They are so helpful and were getting ideas for my bridal shower the whole time.

What a week though. Well, not even week I guess. My brother tells me that he is not moving out when he thought, my sister asks me if she can move in with me, and my stepmother got in trouble with the law. All of this was on Friday. Gotta love family, right???

We are in the midst of save the date cards for the wedding, and I am missing the days when postage was 29 cents. lol.

It's late, and I have a beer and some Jimmy Eat World. Could life get any better?

I received a new camera from J for Christmas. I have only been hinting at it for a year, so he's catching up. haha. Look forward to new pictures of the house, dog, and of course myself in the coming year. A 2 gb memory card kind of gives me reason, don't you think?

Especially at night...I worry over situations..

I am in the midst of my wonderful holiday season mental crisis. That time in which, every year, I start to realize everything that I want that hasn't happened. I think of every holiday season before, and how this one can never match up to some of the best. I look outside and see sun and cactus and feel the biggest hole inside myself, because being home is not an option.

I'm freaking out about getting married, worrying that it's the wrong thing. I'm missing my family that makes me feel less like a crazy person and more as if I am a piece of the puzzle that fits in perfectly.

Am I ever just going to be satisfied and happy?


I feel like an idiot at 22 writing a blog that makes it sound like I'm 15.

I want to go somewhere. I want something to happen.

Yesterday I was driving across town and saw a sign that said "I-10 to Los Angeles". And I seriously considered going. Why not? I have money, enough to get me there and pay for a place to stay and some food and clothes. I have family who I'd love to see there, and a good friend. And the most alluring part was the image of myself sitting quietly on the beach, watching the sunset, with the wind in my face and no noise.

I feel like I can't move fast enough right now and if I don't keep up, everything is going to overtake me, and I'll be forced along, instead of going at my leisure. All I want is one day. The beach, the mountains, it doesn't matter. I just want to go and pretend the rest of it doesn't exist for a while.

And the thing that makes me feel most guilty? I can't just sit across from someone and tell them this. I have to sit in front of a computer, while no one is paying attention, and type my soul out on a screen. I want for so much, even more than I would consider typing here, knowing it will make me sound more desperate and lost than I seem now.

Come January this feeling will pass and I'll be back to myself....But damn the days I feel like this. Really takes all the fun out of anticipating Christmas.

ow, Ow, OW! (Or, The first day in weight training)

Our cast of characters:

Sam (the brave, hasn'tworkedoutinlike...ever heroine)

Sam's Random body parts (thighs, calves, arms, and abs)

The giggly work out instructors (booooo....)


Setting: A gym classroom, mirrors covering one wall. People are setting up their steps, mats and gathering weights.

Sam: Hooray, I'm in my first workout class! I'm going to get really really fit for the wedding!

Various body parts: Hooray!

Giggly Girls: OK everyone, let's start with a warm up!

6 minutes later......

Legs: Hey um....Sam? We're going to try and give out on you, okay? We thought this would be really fun and all, but this squatting shit....it's not for us. So-

Sam: It's okay legs. We're switching to arms. You get a break!

Legs:...well....okay. Maybe after a rest we'll be back to normal

Arms: Shit.

10 minutes later....

Giggly Girls: OK everyone, we're moving on. Feel free to put more weight on, as we'll be doing some arm curls now!

Sam, Various Body Parts: Um...No thanks.

Arms: Wait, why don't we get a rest?

Sam: Because now we're doing arms and standing. It's different I guess.

Left Leg: :::Sh-a-a-ake:::

Sam: Fuck, Left leg, we are only like....20 minutes in. You're already starting?

Left Leg: :::Sh-a-a-ake:::

Sam: You got a rest! Stop shaking!

Arms: Ha. Pussy.

Giggly Girls: (off key singing along with workout music.)

Sam: This effing blows.....

some long ass time later....

Sam: Lunges! I can do lunges!

Abs: Dude....I don't complain a lot...but can we leave? Please?

Sam: Did legs and arms put you up to this?

Abs: (Aside) She's thinking. Stop. Just because you hurt....

Sam: So yes.

Abs: Ahem..Oh, No! Not at all!

Sam: Riiiight

A MILLENNIUM later...

Giggly Girls: OK, now it's time for us to do our cool down....

Entire Body: Yes! Oh there is a God! We love you child's pose, you are amazing!

Sam: (Rolls Eyes) Guys, it wasn't that bad, I think I'll come again!

Next Morning...

Sam: (getting out of bed) Fuck. Fuck!! I hurrrrrttt....

Body: Ha! Serves you right! We are boycotting classes by the way. Stick to the stepper from now on you masochistic bitch!

Fin.

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As you can tell, I had the best time at work out class yesterday....really. Such a good time that my legs are now boycotting stairs, and scream at me the entire walk across campus. Shh...Don't tell them but as soon as I can walk like normal again.....I'm putting them through a spin class too. :)

Time to get excited...

So it's official. Yesterday we booked the place, and as of Sept. 12 2008 I'm going to be married. *gasp* haha. We are both kind of giddy about the whole process....can't wait to start doing tastings. Mmmm, cake. :)

The Present's Just a Pleasant Interruption to the Past...

I've gotten in touch with a ton of people through myspace. People I thought I'd never see or hear from again. Friends from high school, friends from middle school...family that is an entire continent and ocean away. MySpace is an amazing tool.

It also brings back memories that I don't know when I'd think about again if it weren't for these people. Like the boy who had a crush on me but couldn't get the courage to mention it. I knew it then. I know it now. And he has just recently been able to tell me these things.

Or the girl who was my best friend in another state. We lost touch, and lo and behold, years later I come to find that she has moved to the same place I have, and lives about 2 miles away from me.

I have ongoing relationships with all of these people. But these relationships are so bittersweet. How does one go from being one of your nearest and dearest to someone that you hold at arm's length? To me, I talk to these people- online, on the phone, in person- and all I see is the change. In them, in me, in what our experiences have turned us into.

I deeply cared for the above mentioned boy. Of course, now there's not even a whisper of that in our conversations. He took a much different path than I and now I am happily engaged and he has a beautiful daughter.

Will we continue to be friends, even in the loosest terms? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that years from now I will still laugh when thinking of my friends from the past. When thinking of those who at one point in time knew me better than others, and now....now are friends in a completely different way.

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That may seem kind of jumbled...it was more for me than you though. Time to get ready to sleep. I would groan about Monday, but for the moment I am loving my job, so no room for groaning around here. Goodnight!

The fact that I adore you is but one of my truths

Life's been....well, hectic of course. Today I've been granted a brief reprieve based on the fact that the air conditioning in my office went out yesterday, and when you live on the face of the sun (aka Phoenix, AZ) in August, you find that no air is your version of a snow day.

I used to love snow days as a kid. It made me feel as if someone hit the pause button, and for one day I would not have to deal with responsibility. As if that one day didn't count. So I took full advantage. Sat around in warm sweaters and comfy socks. Made soup and grilled cheese for lunch. Watched corny useless soap operas, and even more useless game shows. Snow days were the only days in my life that I really felt like I didn't Have to do something.

So my Non-snow Day today existed as exactly that. I watched stupid tv. Ate food that I really probably shouldn't. Caught up on blogs that I haven't been able to read recently. Decided to post here. It's been entirely enjoyable and the best part is it isn't even over yet.


Wedding planning is just getting started. Now, I'm not an excitable person by nature. Undertaking all of the planning of something like a wedding, I see it as a job that needs to be divided into goals, and those goals reached by a certain date, and the excitement is in the months after the majority of the planning is over and the partying can begin. However, apparently, I am supposed to be much more high strung, excited, and excitable at this point in time. James's sisters have asked me if they are "allowed" to start getting excited yet, because I am so cool, calm and rational about it that they feel as if they should not be more excited than I am.

I don't know quite what to think. Am I supposed to be like the girl at the dress shop who burst into tears when she saw herself in the mirror? Because I will never be able to do that. It's a dress for pete's sake! Am I supposed to be acting bitchy and become an overnight perfectionist? All you have to do is walk into my house to see that I am nothing like that. Not to say I'm messy. But I enjoy my small bit of clutter, and I don't see the point in every single flower being perfectly aligned at my own wedding.

I'm sure the excitement will come. I just don't see the point when two of a multitude of tasks have been completed.


I'm hoping to make my usual valliant effort to post here more often. With work, school, and a wedding to plan, who knows if it will happen. If only I had more non-snow days....

Coping Mechanism

Everyone out there has a song. You know, that one song that makes you stop completely, practically transports you to a totally different time in life, regardless of how long it's been since you heard that song or thought about that moment. Most people have a few. And if you're like me, you could set every important moment in your life to music. You could name a song for every important person in your life as well.

I am obsessed with songs. Good lyrics, good beat, a memory-- if the song can have all three of these things, then I can listen to it for the rest of my life. Hell, Beth and I spend at least half of our time together just listening to that kind of song, because we both love them so much.

My title comes from a song. "You're So Last Summer", by Taking Back Sunday. Now I know, it's not a classic. Far from it. But it has the beat, and it has the lyrics, and it reminds me of the way I felt about J. before we were serious together. It makes me remember who I was.

Not to sound cliche, but I never wanted to get married. I was happy being solo, and the few relationships I did have, well, they weren't meant to last, and I knew that going into them. And the lyrics in that song ("She said don't-Don't let it go to your head. Boys like you are a dime a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen, she said") were pretty much the feelings I had about anything approaching a serious relationship.

I was young and stupid. I'll admit that more readily than anyone. And I've changed my mind, obviously. But that song still reminds me of that rebellious girl who swore no one could pin her down for long, and boys weren't worth it for more than a fun time.

I can hear "Here In This Diary" by the Ataris, and it is immediately the summer after my senior year of High School, and K. and I are leaving Paradise Valley Mall with the windows down, enjoying the scorching hot desert air, even though it's dark out. We're laughing, and playing the song loud, when suddenly a guy gets out of the car behind us, walks up, looks in the window, and walks back to his car.

Things that I don't think of for years come flooding back with the music. I hear the first notes of a song, and suddenly I am overjoyed with the great memories that most of them bring back. Not all songs bring back the great memories, of course, but even the sad ones make me feel a pang of longing for the days when I was that person who loved that song, or who related to that song, or who cried to that song.

Occasionally I feel alone in this love for music. The examples above are not the complete realm of what I listen to. I love everything. If there is meaning to it, if it is not just bubble gum, to be chewed on and then spit out when it loses flavor, I love it. Do other people know this obsession? This need to have a constant revolving supply of music, so that the moments of my life don't fade into obscurity because of their lack of a tune? I'm sure they do. How can music not touch a person? And if it doesn't, than why? Do you dislike lyrics? Tune? Is it just annoying background noise to you?

I understand not liking a particular genre. I love them all, but I understand that not everyone has my taste. But to not like music. To me that's like not being able to breathe. Music helps me think. It helps me handle the rough times.

I suppose my point is that as great as everything is going right now, even a grossly commercialized holiday like today is hard when the person you love - not just today, but every day of the year- is hundreds of miles away for one of the most unselfish reasons ever. I get through it with music. I sit here sifting through my iTunes listening to the memories. "Hey Jealousy", "The Moment", "Ocean Avenue", "Chocolate", all of them. The good the bad, every song that is a memory of him is one I want to hear. It may not be the best way to go about things, but it is my way of handling things. And tell me, could you think of anything better to do on a rainy night than lay around listening to the songs you love most in the world, one after another?


I love you honey. Happy V Day.